Funny Thoughts On Training Camp

Celtics Practice Basketball.JPEG-05eba

Look, I have no clue if this is going to be funny. I do know it pushes my creativity a bit and that I enjoy writing it. It’s a nice exercise for both readers and writers while we’re on a time period where there is so little to read and write about. Let’s call this a time killer for all of you who need one.

Read it through, carefully, and watch details, because I’m telling you, this is how training camp will look like soon.

Kris Humphries and Gerald Wallace will be so out of place: It’s going to be funny because if you think about it, most guys know each other already. Young guys have been training together so Pressey, Faverani, Olynyk, and Brooks won’t be such outsiders. Rondo, Bradley, Green, Sullinger, Bass, Lee, and even Crawford already know each other. Wallace and Humphries are the odd ones out. They’ll look around like “Man, who should I talk to? Should I just go to the weight room and work out to some music?” Especially imagine Humphries: “Oh man there comes Rondo. Run and hide, run and hide!” I don’t know if I feel more sorry for them or for Stevens, who is going to have to mix them with the rest of the team.

Drew Cannon will be making up statistics: “When Rondo scratches his butt he dribbles twice to the left with his left hand, glances for 0.86 seconds at his left, goes behind the back and passes the ball with a 45.0° angle south.” “When Olynyk touches his hair he hits 83 out of his following 100 half-court shot attempts.” “When Avery Bradley dribbles the ball more than 3 times there’s a 26% chance it gets stolen, 15% chance it goes out of bounds, 8% chance it hits him in the head, and 51% chance it vanishes into the air.” “If Kris Humphries puts some gel on his hair he’ll grab 18.72% of available rebounds. If in addition to that he uses some make-up he will increase that number to 22.3%.” The guy needs some numbers to live, those are like his daily dose of water and oxygen. He’ll make up some stuff.

Rondo will be sitting at a table beating everyone at Connect4: The day will be over and everyone will want to go home, but Rondo is at the exit door with a table and a Connect4. If you beat him you get out, if you don’t, make the line again and try a second time till you do. Of course no one but Stevens beats him and the rest just call home so they can get a sleeping-bag and some groceries to Waltham.

Jordan Crawford will be wearing weed socks: What else would he wear? Nike’s? Come on, you know better than that. The dude is JORDAN Crawford. The only reason he wouldn’t wear weed socks to camp would be because he found some socks with his face all over them.  

Brandon Bass and Courtney Lee will be…there: These guys are pretty much in limbo. “Are we in their plans? Are we not?” It will be tough for them to be in the same place in which last year they had a defined role; now they have nothing. They’ll go to Stevens a lot, seem interested on the team and all, and Stevens will be like “Yeah, I’ll get to you later. Let me work with Kelly and MarShon first.”  

Brad Stevens will be on his Butler gear: He made it pretty clear on his press conference that he will keep wearing all of his Butler stuff. Sullinger and Olynyk will want to kill him both because they are the ones with most recent college experience. Ainge will look at him with a “I just gave you 22 million, go buy some clothes” stare. Rondo and Bogans will start wearing their Kentucky stuff. Really, everyone will ditch the ‘Boston Basketball’ shirts to wear all of their college gear. Except Humphries; he’ll wear an ‘I’m Sexy And I Know It’ shirt.

Phil Pressey will look like a dwarf: Dude is just 5’11’’. Avery is 6’2’’. He is so small. Even Rondo could take him as a pet. I can picture Rajon petting Pressey and all. Then Faverani will come in and his shadow will make Pressey disappear from the Celtics facility.

Hope you enjoyed the read. We are about 4 weeks away from training camp, btw. Time can’t fly by quick enough.  

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